4. Rewind

As soon as I got back from work, I turned on my tv and spent most of my evening watching back to back episodes of ‘Family Guy’ and ‘South Park’, just chilling and waiting to hear back from her.

It wasn’t my weekend to have my daughter, so I didn’t even have that distraction to keep me calm. I turned to what I love best: my music.

I messed around with a few tracks, trying to figure out what monsters I could create on my logic pro; I always worked well under pressure. I thought ‘let me make the most of this situation’.

I put on my big over ear Bose headphones, blocking out the sounds of the world. I was lost in my music – it was my outlet; it allowed all the bad vibrations to fade away and I was just in my zone.

I spun my swivel chair round to grab my phone because it was getting late and the boys said they wanted to go to ‘Funky Buddha’, so I needed to have a shower and then get changed.

I thought I might as well go out and besides I needed to tell the guys about the secondment work were offering – to send me to New York for two months – it was a great opportunity but probably the worst timing!

When I looked at my phone I hadΒ  5 missed calls: a couple from the guys, a couple from my youngest daughter’s mum and the last one from her. The call I had been waiting all evening for.

There was also a voicemail so I quickly listened to see who it was from. It was from her…I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. I wondered if she was still mad that I stayed in the car for the entire counselling session.

Sorry, I just wasn’t willing to sit in a room with a random while listening to them trying to psychoanalyse me and chat shit about options. I could just picture it, she would be asking shit like: “so tell me, what do you think you want to do? What are you feeling?”

I don’t need a middleman to have that conversation. Besides, I already told her what I think was for the best.

I felt so relieved when I put the phone down, the message said she agreed…she was going to have the abortion. It was the best decision for everyone and I was glad she saw sense.

After I listened to the voice message I called her straight back. I wanted her to know I was serious when I said I would be there to support her through it all, I mean I wasn’t a prick, we both created this situation.

Once I got all the details, I spoke to her for a bit, made sure she was alright and then I went out with the boys.

I really had no intention to be out two weeks in a row but my weekend with my eldest daughter was cut short – her mum said she would have to drop her on Saturday afternoon instead because she had a sleepover at her friends the Friday night.

So the Thursday evening I went to see my youngest daughter after work. I didn’t have work the next day, I booked it off because I knew I had to go with her to have the abortion.

I thought to myself, ‘I am not staying here late, I have things to handle in the morning’. Then my daughter’s mum asked me to stay for dinner, her mum was cooking so I couldn’t say no. She made curry chicken and coleslaw and picked up some roti shells from the roti man, so I couldn’t resist.

I ate my belly full then washed it down with a supermalt; I was satisfied, I could just sleep like a baby. At that point I knew I should have picked my arse up and gone to my yard, but my baby’s mum asked me to chill and watch a film.

Her mum was watching the 10 o’ clock news in the front room and my daughter was in bed, so I lay across my baby mum’s bed spooning her while we watched ‘Takers’.

I lay there, thoughts consuming my brain…all I could think was, ‘should I talk to my baby’s mum about this?’ How would she take it?’ I already knew talking to my eldest daughter’s mum was a no go zone because she did not take any bullshit.

When I told her about my youngest daughter she went mad and stopped me from seeing my princess and everything; I couldn’t deal with that heartache again; I had to be smart and provide limited honesty.

It’s not that I wanted to lie, but I was so caught up in it all and lying just seemed like the only way forward. I wasn’t having that conversation again, this time two different women to stress me out and use my daughters as pawns.

Anyway, there was no need to stir that pot. She already said she was gonna do it, I guess I just couldn’t help thinking about the ‘what if’s?’

Half way into the film I started to relax; I felt myself falling asleep; I knew there was no way I was driving all the way back to East; I was knackered, so I set my alarm and chilled.

I just let my eyelids close while she played with my ears and stroked my hair; next thing I knew I was fast asleep. I felt the urge to piss so I jumped out of my sleep, “what time is it?” I mumbled in my sleepy tone.

“It’s half seven, do you want something to eat?” she said.

“Shit” I said as I jumped up, “I have somewhere to be, what happened to my alarm, did you turn it off?”

She said “Yea, you were tired, you said you didn’t have work today, so I thought I’d let you lay in while we got ready, sorry”.

I reached for my phone, took it off aeroplane mode to see if she had called. Soon after, her message and missed calls started coming through. I quickly read her message, ‘shit’, I thought to myself, ‘I’ve really f@cked up now’.

I quickly jumped up, gave my daughter a kiss, and put her on my back so I could bring her downstairs to give her some breakfast before I left. We sat at the table exchanging hugs and kisses and I told her how much I loved her.

All I could think at that moment was, ‘how could I possibly have another child? I barely have enough time in my schedule to split between my two princesses, it’s not easy and she should understand because she sees how I struggle to do it now. I love my girls, and I care about her, but I just can’t have another baby now.’

I drew my princess a picture of us, stuck it on the fridge, told her mum I had to leave, then I was out the door like a shot of lightning.

As soon as I got in the car, I called her from the car system – voicemail! I tried again – voicemail! ‘What is she playing at?’ I thought.Β ‘Maybe she went in a cab? Let me try calling the hospital’.

“Is this a joke? What do you mean she isn’t here?!” I hung up and drove home infuriated. I mean, I know I messed up, but I just hope she didn’t make a dumb decision because of that.

I just couldn’t deal with that shit. I was feeling suffocated already. So I decided, I was doing it…I was going to email my boss and tell him I was going to accept the secondment.

In two weeks, I’d be out of the country and I could just pretend none of it was really happening, whilst I sitting in my apartment in New York. I knew it sounded selfish, but at that moment I thought, ‘yes M, this could be your get out of jail free card, like on the Monopoly board’.

I just needed some space, time to think and reflect. As law 17 says, ‘Keep others in suspended terror – cultivate an air of unpredictability!’

Maybe if I did the unexpected she would understand that I was serious and that she needed to stand by OUR original decision.

That’s what he said…

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