I lay in my bed dreaming with my eyes wide open. Thinking to myself, ‘what will my life be like if I have this baby?’
It has never been in my nature to judge someone by their life decisions, yet here I was, laying in bed judging myself, mentally beating myself up and worrying what everyone would think of me.
I felt myself becoming the helpless and vulnerable woman I always knew I did not want to be. Financially unstable, no longer in a relationship and no support system.
Alarm bells were ringing in my head, warning lights flashing in my eyes and M’s words replaying in my mind.
I started to think to myself, ‘maybe he is right, maybe we can’t have this child, maybe it is not the right time”.
I mean, I did not buy his story for one minute about trying again in five years time, nor did I want to try again with him. The honest truth is that this pregnancy was unplanned and we were no longer in a happy place.
OK, so maybe it was a selfish decision bringing an unwanted child into this world, allowing them to potentially grow up without a dad. After all, he had made it clear that he did not want this child.
Furthermore, why would I want to have a baby with a dishonest man? A man who constantly cheated and did not know what commitment looked like.
So after hours of daydreaming, talking to a counsellor and mentally weighing the pros and cons in my head, I finally came to a decision. I did it: I convinced myself that an abortion was the right thing to do.
The next day, I spent the entire evening watching ‘One Born Every Minute’ to convince myself even further that this body could NOT handle child birth.
I picked up the phone, scrolled through my call history and hesitantly pressed M’s name. The phone rang…he didn’t answer. I left him a voice message telling him I would do it, I’d have the abortion.
He definitely got the message, because he called back in under three minutes. I could hear in his voice he was relieved. He tried very hard to sound compassionate, he said ” OK babe, you made the right choice. Don’t worry, we will have our time. When is the appointment? I will pick you up and go with you, I’m going to take care of you I promise.”
So I pulled out the appointment sheet, which I had slotted in my diary, and gave him all the details. He jotted it down, read it back to me and confirmed he would pick me up next week Friday at 6am to take me to the hospital.
The night before the appointment, I spent the entire time tossing and turning; I just couldn’t get to sleep – thoughts and emotions had consumed me!
My alarm went off at 4.30am, I got up so easily because I wasn’t really sleeping. I was so anxious! I went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and had a hot shower. My imagination ran wild as I stood there daydreaming in the shower with water dripping down my body.
I thought to myself, ‘What is this going to be like? Is it going to hurt? Am I going to feel everything? What will I feel like after? Oh my gosh, will I be able to cope?’
I jumped out of the shower; grabbed my towel, the nail polish remover and cotton wool. Once I had moisturised my body I put on my underwear and grey Nike tracksuit.
I sat on the bed taking my nail polish off while rereading the appointment letter to ensure I had followed all the rules. I leaned over to grab my phone from the bottom of my bed and as I stretched my arm to grab the phone, that is when I felt it…
Up to a day like today I don’t know what ‘it’ was, but what I do know is that I felt something: something moving in my belly and poking me. I mean, I didn’t even know if it was possible to feel a baby moving at thirteen weeks, but I know what I felt.
At that very moment I knew. I knew there was no way I could kill my baby. There was a life growing inside of me. A little person that I made…me! This baby was a part of me, how could I just let someone rip it out of me like an unwanted wisdom tooth or cyst?
I called M as scheduled. I was so vulnerable at that moment in time, I thought that whatever he told me, at that very moment, would have had a major impact on the decision I made: the decision which would affect the rest of my life.
The phone rang and rang until it went to voicemail. So I tried again and again and again – each time it went to voicemail. I sent him a text message saying, ‘Good Morning, did you forget what today is?’.
After that, I switched off my phone; climbed under my quilt; closed my eyes and I went back to sleep – like it was all just one big dream.
At that moment, my decision was solidified. I was having MY baby.
That’s what she said…