I can still remember the day I sat in my single room in East London, thinking to myself, “how the f@ck did I get here?”
Confined by the four walls that surrounded me, drowning in my own thoughts, confused by my discovery, anxious to know his reaction, petrified of what was to follow and the fear of the unknown.
OK, stop, pull yourself together woman. What are you trying to say? Gather your thoughts, make sense of it all, open your mouth and let the words flow out.
I can’t, I won’t , I don’t think I know how.
So I climbed under my quilt and wrapped myself in it like a caterpillar in its cocoon, hoping that all my troubles would float away while I wanna love you by Donnell Jones, played smoothly in the background.
I was just an emotional wreck if you can’t tell by now. I didn’t even have the confidence to tell anyone my news, but I pulled up my big girl draws and picked up my Blackberry Bold.
I went to my last dialled and pressed on his name. Counting the rings, thinking to myself, if he doesn’t pick up on the next ring I’m hanging up.
He picked up, I went numb,there was silence for what felt like five minutes, then he said, “let me call you back, or text me if it’s important, I’m busy”.
All I could think was, nah, he needs to listen now, if I don’t spit it out I won’t be able to later……So like verbal diarrhea, it shot out from my mouth, “I’m pregnant”.
So he said, “What? Say that again?”
“I’m pregnant” I said.
“Why are you telling me? You know what you have to do.”
I was horrified, I couldn’t believe that the man I thought I loved was treating me like this. Like I meant nothing to him, irrelevant, insignificant, a nuisance, an obstacle in his way. Like when a flipping stray trolley just rolls in the spot when you are trying to park in the Tesco carpark.
So I said, “I can’t believe you are treating me like this after everything we have been through, like you weren’t the one begging me to let you hit it bareback everytime.”
Do you know what, I will decide what I want to do on my own, I hate you, f@ck you M!
That’s what she said…